I remember it being spoken over me, maybe 10 years ago, that I will be called "the ambassador of love." This phrase always seemed comical to me. It sounds somehow silly. It is not what I would like to be remembered as, but this is the word of the Lord spoken over me by one of His prophets. Not just a self proclaimed mouth piece of the One and only Living God, because I hear the voice of my Father in the words. The Spirit in me bears witness to it, and His Spirit takes my life and holds it up to the light of the word. "Ambassador of Love" And like Joseph, the word of the Lord tested him until the day that it was fulfilled.
"Ambassador of Love," this is not the gallant conqueror that I want to see myself as. It is not the Conan like figure, riddled with muscles, blade flashing in the light against the backdrop of the scorched earth, the lone warrior triumphing single-handedly against the forces of evil. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to glorify myself, but I want to be a glorious demonstration of the power of God. The power that takes a devastated life, like mine, and changes it to a life with an eternal significance.
"Ambassador of Love" sounds somehow sweet, docile, like bunny rabbits hopping and skipping in a field of wild flowers, or like the Care bears with their arms linked engaged in their care stare, emanating a vivid rainbow.
And this, I am realizing, is my insecurity. I want to be called of God to do the work that He has created me to do, but I don't want the call that He has spoken over my life.
This insecurity has created havoc in my life; the source of the depression that drags me down, at times, making me someone that I never wanted to be. This desire to honor God with my life, but not in the way that He has called me to. It seems that I have romanticised the work of the ministry. Like Barbie and Ken driving off into the sunset in their pink corvette, I have a picture of what it should look like. As if the creation can tell the Creator how the finish product would best represent Him.
Thinking about this grieves me, as it dishonors the blood of the martyrs, those who have given their lives as a testimony to the greatness of our Father in Heaven.
Father forgive me for only being willing to serve and glorify You in my own expectations.
